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Testing, One Two Three

Long day. Long evening.
Excited for the beach tomorrow. Can't wait to rock the camp rock headbands again.

I'm not sure

"I'm not sure, if I'm ready, I don't know if i can move on past it all." She said.
"I can put on the face, I can walk the walk but when it all comes down to the moment, when I'm making that decision, can I do it?" Of course. She was ready. She was past more than she knew. But that decision was a hard one. It was one of steel and jade. It was to be made with a diamond pick axe. "What if I do the wrong thing?" But there was no wrong thing. Only right for her, and right for them. She could decide to make amends. Or she could move away and be done with it. "How do I know?"
"It's in your heart, Child" Said her mother. "You've known it all along"
"I can make it better, we can coexist."
But what did she need him for? What was the point of coexisting with one that could not exist in the singular sense? Maybe leaving would be what's best for both of them. Maybe he needed her to not need him, so that he may not need her. Maybe, just maybe this was all part of a greater plan to make both their lives better. "Fate" She whispered under her breath. That was the word she was looking for. "It's all part of fate". That was the answer she needed to help her give the one she chose. Leaving was what she needed to do. To be away, he would be alright without her. She would be fine without him. This was a choice worth making. To abide by the rules would not be right for her. To disappear into the night, that was what she wanted. He didn't want to be so tied down, no not now, not at this age. "Was it even love?" ,she asked out loud, "Or some sick twisted plot of lust?" She pondered her question, scared that she had dared ask the question out loud. Terrified of the possibility that she had never loved. That she had never had her heart broken. That scared her more than the fact that she was breaking his. Because she wasn't. She never loved, he never loved. It wasn't what they said. They lied to themselves. They never even existed in the way they thought. "That's it," she muttered "I'll give him the news in the morning."
Day broke, and the bluebirds in the trees were quiet. She had her bags packed ready to leave town. She was ready to venture on her own, and find her love that evaded her in the beginning, find the love that had betrayed her, and led her to the decision she was making.
There, under the cork tree, she saw him, his family in the background, ready to react. Hers was in tail, ready to react to whatever reaction their young one was about to produce. the words sat on her tongue, her lips ready to let them fly "Its for the best I leave, you'll see, its better this way. I want to know true love, I want to find that for myself. You deserve it too. You deserve to be happy, we aren't happy here. Why don't you leave too. They will understand in time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I don't love you." But sometimes fate has its own idea of right and wrong.
"I love you"
There was reactions according to what was expected. Her bags packed for her escape moved into his house. And a loveless wedding to be planned.

Gather round for a story.

Some time ago I had a friend in need of consoling. They were hurt deep down in their soul. I wouldn't consider it too much, but i gave them all i could, myself. To support, to help, to comfort and hold. It was during a time that maybe I wasn't at my strongest, but i wasn't as weak as them, not by a long shot. Late nights on the phone, long talks of things bigger than both of us. And through the dark tunnel there was a light, and we carried each other to it. Now this may not be a strong story of consequence, but it taught me something. It taught me what faith is. More than five letters FAITH. It is the light, it is knowing that something bigger can guide us, without getting caught up in what that something is. We can believe without knowing in what we are believing. Just knowing that there exists some greater power of the universe, whether or not it is "God" per se. Believing is faith. and faith is the power to open yourself up to something you don't see. Its more than trusting and loving yourself. Its letting yourself be loved and trusted. Its faith. Its a greater collective. Its the greatest good. Its more than a hunch, its more than a thought Its a belief. And everyone has one. Looking for your faith is like looking for what you believe in. World peace. It requires faith. Faith and goodwill. You must have faith in what you believe in. No one believes in what they don't have faith in. No one has faith in what they don't believe in.

A day late and a dollar short

Maybe everyone else is on top of it, or maybe they're all just better at hiding it.

I'm falling through an open space, and I'm grabbing for hands that aren't open for me. My friends maybe aren't always there, I need someone to listen to me. I'm sick of only helping. I'm sick of having to tell others that their lives are good, when I'm struggling to tell myself that. I'm left out in the rain, rusting. I sound like a broken record, skipping. If this is all I've got, then I'm a rip off. Hyped up, its not worth it. Its like I'm giving off an infomercial of myself, and the eventual buyer is going to be disappointed, they're going to want to get their three easy payments back. Good thing I come with a customer satisfaction guarantee. And don't worry, you get to keep the free gift...

maybe, baby

Time is slipping and I've lost grasp of reality as a whole. Life has lost respectability, and raising the bar just leaves room to slip under it. Only the past can tell the future, and we've moved on. Live in the present they say, well the present is something I'd love to regift.the future seems like a terrible inheritance for the coming generation. Maybe we can negogiate it's worth in gold. Refurbish the waiting room for hell. The fallen angels are waiting are the burning iron gate. Up in heaven there's a shortage. Cancel those magazine subscriptions there's no one to read them. Under the stress of the world we stopped reading the instructions so carefully. Warning: May contain small parts. Choking hazard. Its just a blur to the postmodern consumers. Children don't need toys when there's war. G.I. Joe just knocked on your door, can the kids come out and play. Lost in the realm of nurture vs. nature, guess who's winning the losing battle. Pretty soon the world will be filled with stockings full of coal. But at least we have something to turn into our diamonds...

wont you ever know

There was a girl. She lived in a world where she was alone. She couldn't hate those around her because they ceased to exist within her reality.
She couldn't breathe without herself. Thank god she was there.
But without something to guide her, she fell into something she didn't expect.
She loved him.
he told her he loved her.
All a well thought out lie.
She was devastated but grief.
Her world shocked by the toxicity that overwhelmed her dreams.
That night she felt like an animal.
Drenched in sweat she left.
Looking for someone to blame.
She came across her reflection.
She crashed the mirror just to shatter herself. Soaked in her own blood she left. Despaired, blamed, and vindicated. She placed the blame. It was off her chest, and into her heart. She couldn't breathe. She had vanished herself. Now all alone she cried herself into eternal sleep.
Death would appease her. Darkness surrounding she couldn't see her flaws. All she could see was his face. Perfect, as she remembered it.
Whether or not that was true was beyond her ability to decide. She made her way through the maze. She looked for him. But he had moved on into the light.